I have come a long way in 3 years. But a divorce is an awful thing. And for me, recovery will never be complete. Wounds heal, but scars linger. On the one hand, divorce liberated me from a life lived under the control of a negative person who belittled me and didn't want to be with me. But it also devastated me. I will forever see it as the ultimate failure in my life. As a Christian, my own decisions are unacceptable to me. How's that for internal conflict? I’m often lonely, and long to have a partner in life. It’s very wearing, doing life alone, day in, day out – not having somebody there to look to for help when all those little things come up, not having a companion to eat with, sit in church with, go to a movie with, go on trips with, make decisions with. Not having somebody that notices or cares whether you come home or not. Not having somebody to drive you to drop off your car at the garage, or drive you home from an outpatient procedure. Not having somebody to turn to if the dishwasher doesn’t work, or the appraisal on the house you’re buying comes in low, or your car needs repairs, just to ask “What do we do?”. Instead, it’s always “What do I do?”. And there is no response.
I remind myself that this is better than what I endured before, and that is probably true. At least now I have peace. I don’t live with disapproval and criticism. And I do treasure my independence. I like the idea that I can make my own decisions and do what I want without answering to anybody. But sometimes singleness is just overwhelmingly lonely. Sometimes it feels like everybody in the world has somebody... except me.
I will never marry again. For a whole list of reasons, I’m convinced it’s not the right thing for me. But sometimes I think it would be easier for my girls if I did. Then they wouldn't have to worry about me. My girls love me, but they have their own lives, as they should. And of course they are there for me in moments of need. I have a sister that is a gift straight from God. Seriously, she would do anything for me. And I have a list of priceless friends, who are far better than I deserve, that would be there in a minute if I called them, and that love me unconditionally. I'm very blessed, really. But in that sense of someone that is in your life every day, that is there to talk to about the little frustrations and diamonds that happen in a life, I have no one. I don’t have a guess-what-happened-at-work, can-you-meet-the-Orkin-man, please-hook-this-necklace-for-
I wish I had been more compassionate and loving in the past to women I knew who lived the alone nightmare. I was oblivious to their plight. I never understood before how it feels to be the woman left alone, whether by death or divorce. I see now what my own mother went through when my father was taken from her by a heart attack. I understand the utter agony that some precious friends lived through before me when their marriages were ripped apart, or their husbands were gone too soon to eternity. I never got how marginalized it makes you feel, how your value seems somehow lessened by your single status. I wish I had given more hugs, more of a listening ear, more of my time to these women.
I know that Jesus is all I need. But I am a long ways down the path from the place where that becomes my viewpoint. At times I see Jesus on the path up ahead. Sometimes I lose sight of him when there are hills or curves on the path that block my view. Often on the path where I am, it’s just me, and alone feels sad.
From my heart,
Joni
